managing.

In late August The New York Times published an article titled "How to Manage Mental Illness at Work." It couldn't have been more timely since I had just begun working full time for the first time in nearly four years. Previously, I had been a doctoral student, spending most of my time writing, at home, … Continue reading managing.

reason to stay.

One thing you might not know about me is that I am afraid of heights. But it’s a little more complicated than you might think. It’s not that I’m afraid of falling. It’s the fear that I might give in to the urge to jump. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Thankfully, being actively suicidal … Continue reading reason to stay.

filling up.

PTSD is something that most people associate with veterans. If it's not talked about in relationship to vets or severe trauma, it's sometimes just joked about in a very lighthearted manner (which is problematic yes, but that's not what I'm going to focus on here). The truth is, however, that PTSD can affect any and … Continue reading filling up.

burnout.

Lately I've felt like a body of anxiety. Mentally, I've been overthinking, over-stressing, and obsessing over every little thing. Physically, I get headaches, stomachaches, and cold sweats. Emotionally, I'm irritable and push everyone away. Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash It happens sometimes. And usually there's not just one big cause. It's when I let a bunch of things … Continue reading burnout.

trust and obey.

When Michael and I moved a few weeks ago, we sold most of our stuff. We kept our books (obvi) and some clothes and kitchen stuff, etc., but we sold all of our couches and chairs and our kitchen table -- so the big stuff. As we're starting to (slowly) furnish the house, it's quite … Continue reading trust and obey.

hi, i’m bela.

I don't want to do this. Even as I am writing this, my hands are shaking, my mind is racing, and my heart is fluttering. I don't want people to know this side of me. I don't want to let my guard down. I don't want to seem weak. I don't want to be vulnerable. … Continue reading hi, i’m bela.

summer camp.

Last week marked the end of a four-week stay in Ann Arbor where I took classes in social science research methods as part of a graduate summer program. The trip was an important part of my journey in living with anxiety and healing my relationship with school. Not only am I insecure when it comes … Continue reading summer camp.

momentous.

I often get lost in big-picture thinking, but, if my ongoing recovery process has taught me anything, it's that the small actions are what counts. For me, these fall in to two categories: the small, repetitive, everyday actions (eat well, exercise, work, etc.) , and the small, spontaneous actions. The latter is where I really … Continue reading momentous.

keep yourself in love.

I tend to be pessimistic and self-deprecating. I tend to think in terms of "the next disaster." I tend to assume things are going to fall apart. Somewhere along the way, I allowed myself to grow hard. While this attitude isn't a mental illness, it can certainly be exacerbated by having conditions like chronic anxiety … Continue reading keep yourself in love.

slowly.

Slow is a really hard word for me to practice. I like going, going, going -- marking things off, and feeling my anxiety about the once un-did thing dissipate, just to be replaced by something else. Moving cross-country is hard. Starting a new job is hard. These are both very involved processes, where there are … Continue reading slowly.