always remember.

Each year when 9/11 occurs, I reflect on how much life changed after that day in 2001. While I didn't personally lose anyone in the attacks, I know I lost a little bit of myself the day the towers fell. On September 11, 2001, I was twelve. That morning we were sitting at the kitchen … Continue reading always remember.

framing.

Last weekend, I decided to frame my college diploma. It had been in a box under my bed, and I honestly wanted to forget about it. But I felt that I owed this to myself. It's not because I'm particularly proud of having a degree or feel the need to remind myself and others of … Continue reading framing.

reason to stay.

One thing you might not know about me is that I am afraid of heights. But it’s a little more complicated than you might think. It’s not that I’m afraid of falling. It’s the fear that I might give in to the urge to jump. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Thankfully, being actively suicidal … Continue reading reason to stay.

spoons.

As an "academic" (as much as I loathe that phrase) with a research focus in disability studies, I have recently become more familiar with the spoon theory. I think it's a useful disability/illness metaphor as it visually represents what it's like to live with a certain condition. Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash The theory gained traction in … Continue reading spoons.

filling up.

PTSD is something that most people associate with veterans. If it's not talked about in relationship to vets or severe trauma, it's sometimes just joked about in a very lighthearted manner (which is problematic yes, but that's not what I'm going to focus on here). The truth is, however, that PTSD can affect any and … Continue reading filling up.

spirit.

As I wrote last week, I've been feeling overwhelmed and anxious and stressed as of late, and it's really been taking a toll on me mentally and physically. I know I haven't been in a good place, so I'm really working on improving my current way of being. Some seasons in life are just hard. … Continue reading spirit.

hi, i’m bela.

I don't want to do this. Even as I am writing this, my hands are shaking, my mind is racing, and my heart is fluttering. I don't want people to know this side of me. I don't want to let my guard down. I don't want to seem weak. I don't want to be vulnerable. … Continue reading hi, i’m bela.

head meets heart.

Last month was Men's Health Month. Statistically, it is estimated that 1 in 10 men struggle with mental illness. However, men's diagnoses often go undiagnosed, as men are more likely to ignore or downplay their emotional wellbeing, rather than seek counsel and acceptance. The stigma against expressing their deepest feelings is so strong that men choose … Continue reading head meets heart.

one word.

At the beginning of 2019, my pastor preached a series of sermons that centered around choosing one word to cling to this year. After choosing one word, he encouraged us to choose one Bible verse, one thought, and one statement that were all tied to that one word. I like directed activity, especially as it … Continue reading one word.

tapestry.

I was pretty angry towards God and pretty bitter towards his world. How could a loving God blind me? Why? Anyway, [he, the priest, said] God's plan is like a beautiful tapestry, and the tragedy of being human is that we only get to see it from the back, with all the ragged threads and … Continue reading tapestry.